Last night, around nine o'clock, I began writing and recording this podcast.
The writing was a bit of a struggle, but ultimately wasn't anything that I hadn't encountered before. The words went to the page, nonetheless. It was only when the I hit record, that all of the trouble started. And then I...well, let me explain. When I first imagined this podcast, one of the main things I considered was that it had to both feel and actually be very easy to accomplish each day. This led me to finding Anchor, which is a wonderful audio platform that allowed me to record directly to my phone from anywhere, upload, and share the new episodes on my schedule. It's gone pretty well. Except for one thing. Occasionally, after I've recorded an entire episode, something will fault in the uploading process, and I'll lose the whole thing..as in nothing survives. Usually, it's handled easily and the second take uploads just fine. It's still time consuming and I relish the idea of doing an episode only once. Except last night, I recorded and lost it. And recorded...and lost it. For a total of fifteen times. I kept pushing, trying for new solutions and ideas...but nothing would work. Each had it's one insurmountable problem. By one a.m., with my alarm clock taunting me with it's 4:30 am wake up time, I felt like giving up. And, at the end of the night, I did... But wait... Then, I happened to have a conversation with my brother. That conversation quickly produced a MacBook Pro and a recording program which allowed me to record and upload last night's episode. I'm telling you this for several reasons. One, to share with you what it's like so nights trying to get this thing up into the world each day and two, so you could see what struggle and failing forward looks like on a small scale. Now that I've had these issues, I've now develop methods and capabilities I didn't have just 24 hours ago. I don't know where you're from. But around here, I call that progress. Oh, and by the way...thanks, James.
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Throughout my life, I've always been the outsider. The other.
It didn't matter which crowd it was, family, musicians, filmmakers, writers, and so on, I could never feel that I truly belonged anywhere at all. I've always been a musician with writer proclivities, a writer with a musician's heart, a filmmaker's eye, and a poet's lyrical brevity. I've been a philosopher in times of action, and an catalyst in times of philosophy. I am the loyalist in the land of betrayal, the illicit affair in the corridors of the faithful, the voice in the silence and the silence in the crowd. I am the elegance in the filth and the filth in the elegance. A contrarian traditionalist and the classical revolutionary. I've always felt half engaged, half distracted for most of my life. Each moment brings idea upon idea, worlds upon worlds, where the future is infinite. I never can settle into the moment, because the future is appearing before me each moment. Instead of what is, I see probability, potentiality, and the way things could be. Something always moves within me that keeps me from mentally sitting still. It rages still, even though I've learned to disguise it. It's a deep and raging passion for life, for feeling, for creation. For that, I exist; and very little else. I've always known this, yet I've chosen to forgot about it for the means of survival. Yet, even in those moments, I've walked through life, seemingly loose and happy, when, at the depths, I'm coiled and caged. I built the prison and I'm only one who can eventually let myself out. The decision, our decisions, are ultimately no one but ours. Early this morning, I woke to my bedroom bathed in moonlight. The song "Moon River" resonating in my head for no reason at all, recalled from long ago. So much so that I found it and pressed play, letting Audrey Hepburn's performance repeat over and over again as I drank the moment in.
Who was I now? The character singing the song, or the river itself? The answer came back, as both. Aren't we all. Our subconscious and the ever flowing current of life is the great river while we are both the observer and the jetsam on the current. Things began becoming very clear to me. Things that hadn't been clear for over a decade. I began having intense realizations about who I was in the depths of myself and who I had allowed myself to develop into, which while not wretched or awful in any sense, showed an eventual bending to the world out there, the easy path taken over and over again, until the course was too far of the original intention. There, in the moonlight, with the music playing I remembered all that I need to. The musicians that I looked up to were like shamans, showing the the path by their songs, their voices, their pieces. I can hear the truth in the voice of Elvis, Roy, Johnny - in the symphonies of Beethoven, the lieder of Schubert. I can see it in the verses of the great poets and the prose of the great authors. I was reminded of my aspirations as a young man. The ones that I have worked to develop ever since, although somehow holding a wavering confidence in my ability to perform. However, while I can't of course call myself anything near the greats, I am absolutely able to execute on the professional level, however have rejected pushing myself to those standards within my own life. It's time for me (and maybe for you) to get right. To be honest. To remember our legacy and what we're really supposed to be doing. And then, consider what it might take to act on that? How can we move it forward? Last night, after my purposefully predictable descent into bed, something slowly began churning in my mind. It was hard to place at first, more like a creeping feeling than a specific train of thought. Now matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't allow me to drift away. I kept tossing and turning until I surrendered.
The thought then formed. Who am I? Of course, it's a question that most sane people must ask themselves at least once or twice in their lives and I've asked many more times that most. But yesterday's dive into my past, courtesy of Jordan Peterson's Past Author part of his great Self Authoring Suite, had me very consciously aware of many parts of myself that I have long neglected to recognize. Suddenly, my previous narratives of life no longer seemed to make any sense. I couldn't ignore some of the pieces of me that didn't fit. I needed to expand to envelop and own them all. Or did I? There in the darkness of my room, I suddenly considered another possibility. What if, for just awhile, I disowned every preconception I had of myself. This meant disavowing any of my accomplishments, aspirations, failures, and judgments I have made about myself. It meant that I had to give up any and all labels I had ever placed on myself, such as "man", son, friend, entrepreneur, musician, teacher, and so on. I even meant that I had to let go of any set of desires that I had some allowed to define myself. I let all of the labels drain from me and I lay there, "me" for the first time in a long time. There was no where to go, nothing to do. Nothing I HAD to do or not to do. There was simply emptiness... And I was totally, utterly uncomfortable. I hated this feeling, this nothingness. I made me remember why I was a person by choice. Then, somehow - I found sleep. When I awoke, it took me several hours before I remembered that I wasn't somebody. But, by then, I was already too far into it to step back. At least for today, that was the case. Since the nature of the "Self Authoring Suite" appears to be inducing such thinking, I anticipate exploring this idea further as the days go forward. But, until that time, I would like to show you a previous blog post (from several years ago) that seems to sum up where my mind sits at the moment: http://www.michaelamidei.com/blog/who-am-i Today, I began delving into Jordan Peterson's Past Authoring piece of his overall "Self Authoring Program". While it's appearance and language is very clinical, which shouldn't be surprising for something created by a Clinical Psychologist, it represents a deep dive into your past; which as you can imagine is deeply emotional.
You begin first by dividing your life thus far into six epochs or time periods. This in itself, if done honestly, is quite an exercise. It's much easier said than done. Instantly, ti also lets you know that any attempt to craft a narrative from your own set of experiences won't work at this point. You must simply give in and be completely honest about the process. For me, I had to delve into each part of myself - my own failings, my own overreaches, my mistakes, my transgressions (both confessed and yet to be confessed), my relationship with my own sexuality, love, and so on. From early in the process, something that was said struck me. (And I'm paraphrasing here) "If you have been often thinking about an emotional experience that is over 1 1/2 years old, than you are still holding onto baggage. You haven't let go of it." This was a powerful thing to read for me, because there are many things from my past that haunt me deeply. For reasons both in my control and not in my control, there are ghosts I hope to forever escape and which I hope never find me. Then again, I think most of us have those in some respect. Forgive me for being a self centered...it's been a very self centered day..on purpose. From the breaking our lives into six epochs, we then went into defining up to six events that defined each of those epochs for us. For me, who always views himself through a negative lens, this was very difficult. I had to remind myself to include my good deeds and my accomplishments, which I so willingly minimized. I went through my childhood, from my earliest memories, through cancer, to middle school, high school, film school, and beyond. I traveled through my failed marriage and often shuddered thinking about revisiting those times again. But, here I am..after nearly a full day of this..I'm still not done with Past Authoring. There is still a bit to go. In accordance with Jordan Peterson's instruction, I entered a type of reverie, allowing the past to visit me as if in a dream, as thin vapors of the past entering my room. Now that the ghosts have been summoned, I can't wait to learn what exactly I should do with them..they're taking up valuable living space...and I'm pretty sure their already getting into the food... Two big things (at least for me) are going down on this episode tonight. The first is, of course, we have hit episode 50..the big 5 oh and then 2: I knew the time would come, but this has been one of the first big tests of my actually getting an episode done.
Outside, it's snowy and cold. In here, I'm sick, scatter brained, and in no place to form a good set of thoughts. Earlier, I attempted to get into Jordan Peterson's "Self Authoring Suite" and started well, only to lose traction early on. One of the reasons is that when I'm sick, I descend into negative thinking, which I know is not the ideal place to be coming from. So, in an effort to provide some value today, I'll mention one of the best rules I remember hearing about making decisions: When you are in a lower state - sick, hungry, lonely, tired, etc - suspend the ability to make decisions. Just toss and your hands up and take care of yourself. There's not a whole lot to do. I added that to my life several years ago and it has made a wonderful difference. Somehow, when I do end up feeling low, I will feel like that's when I need to "call the game", "end the whole thing", and so on. But it never really is. It's best to eat or take a nap..or both. Self care is paramount here. So, instead of talking about it here, I'm going to go sleep more in hopes to be back on board for tomorrow. Rest well out there, wherever you are. Each of us are slowly constructing, year by year, day by day, moment by moment, the story of our lives. Most of us do so very unconsciously, going from one opportunity or situation to the next without a thought to the long term ramifications of such things. Another method is to live without much thought and then to post rationalize our actions by pretending to either be secretly crafting our own narrative or imagining some grand story that we are being led through.
While the true nature of who are depends very much on what you believe in this plane of existence - what we can say with fairly accurate certainty is that we are very much a product of nature and nurture; both sides count. As we've previously covered in this podcast, there are various ways to uncover and then harness these parts of yourself for the greater benefit of yours and others around you's lives. Starting tomorrow, episode 50 (which blows my mind, by the way) we wll beginning a journey into uncovering ourselves. I'll be down the same practices. So, jump in and do this with me. But first, a few quick instructions. Get a notebook and a pen. Get ready..this could be very complicated. Of all of the biggest misrepresentations out there in the self development space, the one that is the most debilitating for most people is, in my mind, the need to have a "why" or a "vision". Anybody who works within this motivational space will attest that by far, one of the most common questions that they are asked on a consistent basis is "How do I find my passion?"
Am I against having a strong why or a powerful vision and going full tilt to make it happen? Of course not. Some of mankind's greatest heroes have done it that way. But, here's the thing. A much larger percentage of those we consider successful in their pursuits weren't following some premeditated vision. They were following the road to service and being useful with their unique abilities. The quest for vision has left millions upon millions of people chasing their tails. They are told that if they just find their "why", if they just unlock the true desire of their inner spirit of uniquely special specialness, that the heavens will open up and soul mates, riches, and low body fat will rain down into their lives like magic Jesus is told to have once said "Those who our first shall be last, and those who are last shall be first." There are obviously many ways to interpret these things, so bear with me, but what I perceive in this line is in the follow "retranslation". "Those who go after selfish gains first will always end up last in the most important ways. Those who serve others completely and fully will not only gain success, but also the love and gratitude of those whom they serve." Now, some of you are likely saying something like "So and so billionaire did not serve other people!" Maybe they haven't in every case, sure. I'll give you that. Some can steal or cajole it out a stone. Some possess virtuoso level talent at the art of money getting. But, in many cases, if we find the right perspective, we will find that they absolutely provided value for a vast number of people. Richard Branson provides many services to others, with customers company wide giving them astronomically high reviews in service and quality of the product. Apple computers, Microsoft, etc - all of these companies, and indeed the founders who have been billionaires through them have gotten there through providing massive amounts of value and service for many others. They might have had some sort of a vision, but it aligned with what made them useful to others. It wasn't them imposing their will on others. So, if you are trying to find your "thing" and have been chasing your "definite purpose", "why", or "vision" - I invite you to instead find the first opportunity you can find to provide a service or platform or product for someone. Then, execute it to the best of your ability. Develop it. Stick..build it. Get better at the process. Then repeat. It's all about being useful and all about the service you present to others. I know from very personal experience just how much that change in mindset changed my life and I'm 100% positive that it will do the same for you. While we live in a world that places some of us in very obvious places of advantage, racially, financially, and so on..the real truth of the matter is that the only thing really holding you back, is yourself.
I remember a story I heard once about one of the richest men in Zambia. This is purely what I was told (or a half remembered version so long after, but I'll do my best). This man was poor and had no money. He then offered a rich white family his services as a grass cutter. Saving his money, he eventually bought an ox to help him, so he could work faster. Bit by bit, he expanded, bought more animals, got hired by more and more people and eventually worked his way into being able to expand into other businesses. - Now, like I said, this story might be half remembered, half fable..but it makes a valid point. Even in some of the most dire circumstances there are, there is still a way. Not to say that we'll always become the richest man or woman of anywhere...but why should we? The world is full of many pursuits, all very worthy. But we tend to get caught up in a story..or at least many of us do. We somehow believe that we aren't capable of doing what others have done...That they possess some sort of magic thing that we don't. It's all B.S. Yes, luck plays a part. But I have feeling that if you put yourself in the way of opportunity over and over again...backed up by your work ethic and dedication, beautiful and unexpected things begin to happen. The point is that there is always a way. Always. If you can't see the way, you haven't look at it from the right angle yet. Last week, one of my students approached me for guidance. This student had been experiencing in their own words, "a ton of stress" surrounding classes and the assigned work. It wasn't that he couldn't do the work, it was that he was stuck in a permanent state of fight or flight around the idea.
Instead of counseling him to "just do a better job" or to simply his work. I told him that he need to gain perspective about and learn to control his levels of stress. The reason being that our culture (and almost all other cultures before us) have used stress to wage a silent war against those that need to be controlled. The more stressed and in fear you can keep those you need to domineer, the better for your own aims not being circumvented by the means of the others. Our schools, are businesses, our world is built to stress us out as a way to take our true control from us. So, what did I tell this student, who happened to be 11 years old. "Learn to control and get rid of your stress effectively and you free yourself from many of the mind games that this world will try to play on you. While this is very short, the message is obvious. The greater the control you possess over your ability to process stress, the greater your abilities for success. There's more about this to come, but I want you to think about it... Moving forward.. |