THE SUN THROUGH THE THORNS

Every few weeks, after a period of easy smiles and laughter, I find myself drifting into what feels like a dark abyss. It resembles isolation, dark thoughts, and the sense that myself, my family, my friends, and our entire world is stepping towards some tragic ending. Think of it as the 3-4 am paranoia spree that many of us enjoy - except this lasts for long stretches until I pull myself out of it. 
    For years, I would blindly stumble into this episodes and would find ways to medicate myself - food, romance, distraction. My vices were never horrible, but acted as a "mute button" to what I was feeling. 
    Eventually, as I mentioned in my last post (from many years ago now), I decided to seek counseling. Sure, my therapist helped me unravel a bit of my past. But surprisingly, that was a very small piece of what we did. His focus instead was on tools to use going forward in life. These were and are new vital components that I take with me each day into the world of creative leadership and performance. 
    After about three years with my therapist, I moved on to tackling another part of my life with more intentionality and vigor - my health. I began lifting heavy, eating better, and going after the health that I hope to maintain as I get older. It's important for me to be able to perform at a very high level for many years to come and my efforts are focused on that. 
     Another thing began to develop for me back in 2022/2023, which combined both of these aspects; a deep interest in sport's psychology. In other words - performance psychology. The techniques applied in this field, paired with the tools provided by my therapist have made such a deep change in my life that I can confidently say they have potentially saved it. 
     I've learned to observe myself from a distance without judgement, notice my own patterns, and calm myself to where I can choose where my mind turns next. I've learned what Brenton Mix has phrased as "When you feel good, life gets better - not the other way around," which gives me a set of signals to pay attention to that allows me to turn away from the abyss when I find myself drawn to it. These days, when I find myself drifting too close to the edge, I know that it's time to focus on smiling, on laughter, and feeling good. Suddenly, daylight appears again.
    This doesn't mean that I don't have things I wish I would have done and things that I wish that I could do. However, I don't feel the need to "clean up the past" that I've felt for most of my life. Instead, my eyes are forward and upward, following the sun through the thorns.